deep trouble

worst day ever. happy halloween, my US is a witch. am not denying i'm a f*cking idiot, not denying i am all alone in a leaky boat and nobody can help me now, not denying i would be entertaining serious thoughts about the big Q except that i hate when other people win - scrabble, arguments, "philosophical debates." i do not deny that i need serious help and have no place to turn for it. but i swear, the lady who didn't show up or call for two weeks, who cannot return an e-mail to save her life, who leaves f*cking sandwich crumbs on my desk after she eats lunch, is going to get my boot up her snotty ass if she yells (literally) at me about responsibility again. call me "young lady" one more fucking time EVER and i will have my dog eat you.

yeah, i love imagining scenarios that will never actually come true. (i really am imagining my boot up her ass right now, just so you know. and also just so you know, she's so f'ing scary my dog would probably run the other way and not stop if ever they were to meet. but now that i think about it, that must be why she's on board. looking sweet but being scary is her special talent.) because i can't sleep until i think this out and kill it:

Here is what I want to tell you, WXYZ, but probably never will:

I will tell you why I have turned in several things late this semester: partly because I am taking two masters courses along with full-time student teaching and seminar. You advised me against this, but I really had no choice. I need to finish this program, I can't stand to be here another semester. I am not behind through any fault of my own, but because ABCDEFG provided such terrible advising during my first semesters here. Now I know better than to take her word for something, especially regarding registration or scheduling.

What else do I know better about? Being truthful with faculty members. LMNOP told me tonight that the faculty members all know each other, and they all talk. Of course they do, I expect that. But she implied that you talk among yourselves about things that concern me, but will not tell me. LMNOP also tried to intimidate me by implying that because you and she are good friends, my word counts for nothing. So the next time you ask me how things are going, do you think I will tell you the truth if I feel I’m flailing? Do you think that if I have any concerns about my seminar, my FS or my c., I am going to trust you with those concerns? Do you even care? Of course not. As far as I’m concerned, you and LMNOP can be good friends, blood relatives, whatever, I don't really give a shit, one way or another, the way you don't really give a shit about what's going on with me. But for her to suggest to me that you and she are good friends and therefore what I say does not matter, was highly unprofessional and frankly, it's ruined my trust in you both, not that either of you will care.

Why does LMNOP get to yell at me about a “reputation” I had NO idea that I had? If it was such a concern, why didn't you tell me? Or was it a concern?

Why did we have to create a unit for 641 that you KNEW would be of no use to us in our student teaching classrooms?

Why have I lost faith in yet another faculty member, one I deeply trusted and admired?

I’ve made so many mistakes, and nine out of 10 of them are completely, without a doubt, no one’s fault but my own. A major mistake that I made but will not apologize for (though will never repeat) was trusting YOU, the faculty, to provide sensible advising, to set students on the most efficient course possible, to tell me and not just each other what you think of me. I would have asked for proof of this “reputation” on the fucking spot and I would have waited until you produced it.

... okay. however, regardless of how i feel, i KNOW two things:

1) LMNOP holds my license in her hand and
2) i need a major attitude adjustment before 8.30 tomorrow morning.

now, where can i find one of those?