I have two thoughts with which to permanently close this blog. One is on friendship, the other, on jealousy. Friendship is rare, jealousy unattractive. Period. I had a lot more to say about these two things earlier this week, but a conversation with a rare friend, one whom I am lucky to have, has made me pause to reconsider the way I present my feelings.
There will be no retraction of anything I said, because all the facts were true, the opinions were mine to hold, and, like the elevator safety certificate that's kept locked away in the office, those formerly posted facts and strongly-seasoned opinions are just a click away if ever there should be a need for them to see the light of day again. But in the meantime, I will replace those facts and opinions with comments that are more succinct and constructive, and less destructively barbed.
Let me begin by saying that I love words; they're a big part of my life, and I use them with proficience. When my purpose is to explain something, I'm clear. When I want to mollify an intense situation, I can. When I mean to hurt someone, I absolutely do. However, I never, ever attack someone unless they've fucked with me first - and even then, it has to be worth something important to me.
As I expressed before, friendship is important to me. Ken Momochi, in this particular situation, was important to me - so, when messed with out of the clear blue, I responded. I did not tread lightly nor speak kindly, because I had no fear of being wrong and because frankly I wasn't convinced of his girlfriend's importance to him, as 1) when asked, he couldn't put into words what he liked about her, and 2) she presented herself as a sneaky, insecure (and slightly insane) person who was not a little obsessed with uncovering a crime that would never be committed. But for what may be excellent reasons, he does like her. Hell, as I said in my previous post, even I liked her - very much - the day we met. So much that I was totally blindsided when she demanded that we stop communicating. Prior to that shock, I thought she was great. (I cannot lie, I now think she's ridiculous and that K deserves better. But I might always feel that way, being a woman, and being his friend.) Bottom line: I will respect the relationship K is in. Why? Because K and I are friends. I know what that means, and I know what it takes.
And because she does not, in turn, have to respect his friendship with me, the girlfriend can demand the cessation of our communication if she needs to, because yes, different people need different things in order to be happy. A friendship cannot be magically ended by another person's groundless jealousy, but two people may cease to communicate if a groundlessly jealous person's will is strong enough. My point still stands: that "will" is the weakest foundation for a "relationship" I can imagine.
But here's one thing I know: We make our own happiness. Dara, for example, can wallow in misery because she can't control the world and people around her, or she can figure out how to make herself happy, and how to surround herself with the kind of people who will foster that happiness. No matter what happens in this situation, I will be the person I am, because I know how to be happy and don't have to rely on others to validate me. It is just a bonus, a gift from God, that I found and am marrying someone who makes me as happy as Scott does. Our relationship is grounded in trust, exists in the present, and looks toward the future. We recognize each others' pasts, but the past is not the crux of our relationship. Why would you want to live that way?
If Dara gets her way and K and I don't talk anymore, then I will dearly miss my very good friend, but again, I will still be the person I am, and that person is not one to waste time and heart fighting the forces of sheer walking stupidity. Here's my last thought on groundless jealousy: it makes you look like a total fool, and it makes you yourself appear less trustworthy. Here's my last thought on friendship: It's something worth fighting for, but it's not something you fight someone else for, because then its integrity suffers, and the heart of it is destroyed. Same with a relationship.
Think about it.
