THE END.

The lightbulb has gone on: We will not be together because my quality is too high for your low standards. You enjoy Christine's "dumb blonde" act because of your self-described low standards. You overlook Jen's hurtful behavior toward me because you "don't expect much from her."

Keep your standards, then -

I'll never be stupid or thoughtless enough to make you happy,

and you'll never be smart enough for me.

Reasons to delete this blog: No longer need a place to put angry thoughts about Kevin, because I have very few angry thoughts left. For awhile I didn't think I'd be able to let go of that anger. Well, even Khorkina had to get over losing the Athens gold to Carly Patterson, and god knows K's no gold medal, so I think I'll live. Reason number two: Maintaining five blogs is stupid. Reason number three: I've upgraded (downgraded?) myself from churlish to crabby on occasion. Man-hating is not a sport. Hating, in general, is not a sport.

Reasons to keep the blog: It never was just a Kevin blog. And anyway, my "work" xanga evolved into a Kevin blog. It was a place to put my hawaii.edu entries so that if my page ever disappeared (which, geez, it should have by now) I'd have my thoughts and words, which I thought were so clever back in college, for posterity. It was also a place to put my xanga things when I thought I wanted to leave xanga.

Maybe I'll delete it, maybe this will just be my last entry. (So wishy-washy. I hate this about myself.) I think I'm in a good place. I cannot remember what it felt like to be in his arms, I no longer play the whatif game in my spare time because I played it so much that I realized that the answer to whatif was always the same result. Those moments I could make postcards out of, those moments are not real and would never happen because I was no angel myself and also because he never wanted me enough to go the shortest distance. They were pretty postcards, though. My half, anyway. I like, no I love, that I can't remember the last time I saw him and that the last time he came over I made a point of not being home, instead of making a point of being home. I hate him, I'm sorry for him, it's all still too much attention to pay, but I no longer want him, am done needing to understand him, still want him to wake up and realize he was an idiot to let me go - but that's just my massive ego speaking. I still just think I'm better than him and can't believe I lost the game. The game of love is still just a stupid game. That's not bitterness, it's differentiating between game-y love and actual love. Which still existed, the last time I checked.

I am a sap. Yes.