i'd pop a cap in sancho

independence day 2k5 went down this way: woke up and for some reason decided to read the time mag special report on gitmo and detainee 063, which is not a good thing to read on a day you are supposed to be feeling proud to be an american. skedaddled to work (family biz) before noon so we could get it over with and have the rest of the day free. ken momochi dropped by to give me back my sunglasses, which i'd left on his dresser the night before. i was still salty-ish about the pre-bar scene but now that it's 3 a.m. the next-next day i *think* i can just chalk it up to his dum-dum factor AND the simple truth: neither of us is ready. (let's face it: if i wanted to take it back instead of talk to him about it, i am not ready either.) back to the stupid old drawing board. it was a lot better before i opened my mouth but i guess we can always work our way back up.

we headed out to XPD's and i was determined to have a damn good time or at least really enjoy not being in the cheap seats this year. on the way up the winding road, kmo shared the latest gossip about XPD and her man, who is emotionally withdrawing now that her departure date is nearing (she's heading off to SFO in a couple of months.) my heart bled for those two for five whole milliseconds. we got to the house and i had to admit, the view of our "city" was spectacular. i finally met the retarded roommate (the one who likes to mix meds and hard liquor) and she seemed likable enough, too bad i know as much about her as i do. got the requisite tour of the house - XPD cheerfully banned any and all from her "messy messy bedroom" and the retarded roommate piped up: "oh but kevin's already seen that room!". yes i am sure he has. the firework show lasted about three eternities and then we chatted a little bit inside while the rest of the guests were getting good and toasty.

doing his part to keep the love flowing between the members of his harem, kmo excused himself to the restroom and left the two of us to talk shop, which meant listening to her talk, and talk some more, about how she was just too damn original for the pageant to begin with (remember THAT entry?) and how she can go to china any time she pleases so why go with them? my feelings on that: i was not "most girls" either, that was not my comfort zone. i came to most of the classes in work clothes which almost never matched and i couldn't tell a lip pencil from a cray-pa. i had one person tell me i was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, or whatever the expression is, and i took that as a compliment. i never thought i was better or worse than anyone else, but i always knew i was different. i never fit in, not even when i got to sit next to the rest of the pretty girls with crowns. but it was a GREAT experience. i went to everything, even the stuff no one else went to. i loved it. and now i try to convince anyone i can to try it out, too. especially the girls who say, "i would NEVER do that."

so to you, XPD, who are just too quirky, too special and too gosh darned creative, who were "forced" to do this pageant, who everyone knows is just pissed off because you were number two ... shut up. everyone knows. i may hate that kmo lets you put your hands all over him for any reason you can think up, but it's okay because he and i are just friends ... and everyone knows you think you should have won.

wow. did i just hit an all-time low? OR, it could go more like this:

so to you, XPD, who i think i could really get along with because i always felt two paces to the left of everyone else in my show as well, congratulations on SFO and good luck with your man.

the short of it is, i had no epiphanies. i didn't have a bad time, nor did i have a good time. i just had a time. she likes to talk, i like to talk. she knows stuff about me that she doesn't know i know she knows, and i know stuff about her that i couldn't care less whether she knows i know. she is proud of her individuality and her accomplishments. she thinks she's really special and has no qualms about articulating just how special she thinks she is. she's not the kind of person to put her photos away, she's the kind who will bring them out and expect you to love them, and most people do. what's especially irritating about the whole thing is that we have a fair amount of things in common. similar experiences, the need to talk, a love of travel, chinese moms, and an inflated self-esteem. i wonder if i'm as grating to others as she is to me.

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THE NEXT DAY:

shiatsu tutorial tomorrow? kmo just invited XPD because "she wants to learn too." what the fuck? so i said, like the bitch that i am, "it is asking a lot of me to spend time with your friend twice in the span of three days. i went yesterday to be nice to YOU. thanks for telling me that she likes me, but i don't give a really big shit because i still don't like her. so if you need her to be there tomorrow, whatever, but just think about that."

k: "oh. um, okay. i just thought that it would be good because the two of you are the same size so you could practice on each other."

me: "what's wrong with practicing on you like every other time?"

k: "oh. um, okay."

i need to get out more. need to do something that requires a brain. need to play scrabble. need to stop using aaron and everyone else who stands still for more than 5 seconds as a sounding board. argh. where are my DVDs?

maybe i should spent less time wishing i had SJP's salary and wardrobe and more time figuring out where the hell those ants in my room are coming from.