this was my very first blogspot space. it went through many incarnations before it evolved into this final post. it started with student teaching in 2004 and ended with a brand-new endeavor. if you're an original reader, i can now be found at any and all of the sites in the sidebar, or leave me a message: thatdamnedcat@gmail.com. happy blogging!

Thursday, August 08, 2019

sing if you're single

bulletin on myspace: "why are you single?" ... answers range from "because i'm ugly and no one likes me" to "because i'm too fucking awesome." i am reminded tonight just why i myself am still single: it's a combination of my superiority complex (i too think i'm too fucking awesome, costco incident aside) and my general need to live in the past, wearing rose-colored glasses. and maybe because i like not answering to anyone, as in situations that involve exes. and possibly because i thrive on what seem like stupid, insignificant freedoms - the freedom to not talk on the phone when i don't want to. the freedom to eat dinner with someone who loves food as much as i do without having to explain to somebody's dumb ass that everyone has to eat and that dinner is just dinner, the way a cigar is (most often) just a cigar. i'm single because i think it is fine for me to go out to eat with the same friend four weeks in a row but would ream him out for doing the same.

and perhaps i am still single because i can get all indignant over one snappish voicemail when it's my fault i got a snappish voicemail to begin with. whatever.




i never thought my life would be this way again. i hoped and dreamed of it for a really long time and now, i've made my dreams come true. some know and some don't but what matters at the end of the day is that i now feel fully complete and while some may say it's sad that it might take a guy to do that or show that for you, i say "i don't care" cuz i'm happy and i would appreciate it if people would just let me be that way. no more blogs of how crappy i feel when i'm single or left out when all my other friends have a special someone.

to my nearest and dearest friends, thank you for all your love and support and for never judging me when i waivered to and fro about the love of my life. you have seen that i am living proof that happily ever after and there always is the hope of being with the one you truly love and are meant to be with. one day soon, you TOO will have your "happily ever afters ..." and now we can all celebrate at the "reception". =)


okay, before you choke and die, i didn't write that. i would not be caught dead using the phrase "special someone" and besides i'm sure she means "waver," not "waiver," and besides that, "waver to and fro" doesn't make sense to me. i lifted it from the "princezz diaries," this xanga i used to read, by this girl whose entries used to be boiling over with "no one's ever going to love me so i might as well stay with this guy who slaps me around because i'm that starved for attention." in case you can't tell, her self-esteem is the same (it's my party and i'll judge if i want to, i'm not her nearest or dearest friend) but somehow she found someone who somehow, some way, puts that stupid uncontrollable smile on her face - you know the one? - and that's what i miss, but i'm aware it's more than that ... the "knowledge" (or whatever it's called when your heart, not your head, decides) that it's right is more than that stupid smile. but that is a really important start. that's why this saccharine entry stands out for me ... the feeling that you're filling up and you can't wait to see them again and you can't believe you were shuffling through life without them just a month ago. i like to think i'm realistic, not a cynic. but do i think "the one" is bullshit because i'm level-headed or because i don't want to believe in something that not everyone is guaranteed? and am i going to re-read this in twelve hours and find it too retarded for words? i know it's okay to be with someone with whom you're not planning a future, and i know it's okay to be single forever (even if it's not okay with your mom), and it might even be okay that you still have dreams of pure happiness where you see the face of someone you're never getting back because they don't exist anymore, as long as you really do wake up in the end. it's all okay, where i am, who i'm with and not with, sometimes it's even really, really good. but sometimes i wonder, will there be more? i guess i can wait to find out. but i do wonder.

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