fuck you very much - II

to all the naysayers who believe that breaking up with someone who isn't even your boyfriend can't be done or doesn't make logical sense - it can and it did.

we're done here:

i'm not going to wait for you to hang around [XPD] so much that you become attracted to her - and that is assuming that you are not already. and it's natural to assume that you are, because what you're doing with her is exactly what you did with me, back in january of last year. and more. you take her out, you "just hang out," you do the back and neck rub thing, your best friend's parents for some reason mixed the two of us up although you claim you just met her. i know we already talked about this stuff, like the christmas party, and keith's parents, but i want you to know that it has not stopped bothering me, and last night's "congratulatory dinner" in addition to lunch the day after the pageant in addition to whatever i didn't manage to find out about, is pretty much the straw breaking the camel's back. this may sound totally off-base to you, but the writing on the wall remains, you are interested in her attention. i do not have the energy to always wonder what you're hiding with your carefully worded phrases. ("i have a dinner"? for the fourth time in a week you "have a dinner"?)

my conclusion is this: you think you have me, and that is the reason you'll take me to an abandoned house but not acknowledge me in public as anything more than a casual acquaintance. well, you did have me. and really thinking everything out has made me feel ridiculous. i am not a spoiled person; when you ask me if i mind going to zippy's and i say no i don't mind, i'm not lying. but not even a week after you tell me you have to start madly saving money for rent, you're taking some girl you supposedly barely know out to a place that happens to be nicer than anywhere we've gone in a year. so, it's not that i'm spoiled and expect a lot. it's that you love the fact that i am low-maintenance, because that means you can spend your energy and resources elsewhere. and it's completely fine for you to do that. but i'm not going to be in this position anymore.

part of the time i talked to him the way i talk to kids who know they've done something wrong. i was really calm, and really ... unyielding. i told him that his behavior was inappropriate. i told him that i was no longer going to consider what he did or didn't intend, only what he did or didn't DO. and i told him that all his behavior suggested wanting to start something up with her. the christmas party i find most inexcusable, not because he went with her, but because he lied to me about it. not only in the omission of truth sense, but in the sense that he completely made up some crap like, "well i asked if you wanted to go." it is the first and only instance i can think of in which he has outrightly told an untruth, and the apparent reason for it pisses me off. if you want to start something up with her, go right the fuck ahead, but don't tell me you asked me to that party. it never occurred to you, and that's why you never did.

i wasn't mean, but i did not take any excuses. i put lots of words in his mouth to see how many he'd spit back out. very few. for one thing, i told him very plainly that he was seeking her attention and using inappropriate, flirtatious behavior to do it. no denial.

in the end he said he definitely respects her, and admitted that he finds her cute, but couldn't see anything happening with her because her background is completely different from his. i really wanted to bust out the frying pan after that one. but i remained calm and told him, "you and i are different too." but he said no, she's used to living like a princess, and that's just so different from his upbringing. PLEASE NOTICE that he did not say there was no way in hell that they were getting together because he felt so connected to me. he said it was b/c THEY were too different.

the short of it is, well, we are done here. i did it without saying "i think" or "maybe" or "it's just that." we did agree to stay friends, but i told him point-blank that i couldn't see him for awhile. things are different even if none of it really matters to him. (he protested that yes it does matter to him, but fucking whatever, you know?)

it's been a year that amounted to basically nothing. well, there were a lot of good times, but toward the end, just as many bad. it ended like this: i love him but don't kid myself into thinking that i will feel that way forever, and definitely not vice versa. i like him sometimes. i dislike him a lot of the time. i fully trust him almost never. you do the math.